I wouldn’t say I stay particularly up-to-date on social media trends, but I love overhearing Young Life leaders tell stories about the kids we all serve—which, nowadays, often involves a social media trend or joke.
But sometimes these stories prompt a surprisingly deep reflection. That was the case with the viral “we listen and we don’t judge” trend.
It might sound silly at first, but it stopped me in my tracks. Apparently, people across social media channels set up the camera and record themselves and another person making embarrassing (but mostly harmless) confessions. They listen and they “don’t judge,” though many people laugh.
Even if we avoid vulnerability, we crave it.
The reason the trend has gone viral is partly because it summons and captures a moment of real, spontaneous vulnerability between two people. A viral joke format has managed to tap into something deeply and quintessentially human. Even if we avoid vulnerability, we crave it.
We were made to be known, made to be vulnerable, made to know the joy of God’s love for us. Jesus Himself tells us many times over what is required to live in God’s love, and to love each other well. All of the marks of a true Christian, as outlined in Romans 12, have to do with loving each other.
“Let love be genuine,” the list begins. “Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:9-12 ESV)
In Matthew 7, Jesus advises us along these same lines, much more pointedly: “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” (Matthew 7:1-2 ESV)
God’s plan for us is loving community.
God’s plan for us is loving community. Learning to build healthy, trusting relationships with other individuals within the Body of Christ is one of the most important ways we make that a reality.
The trend also drives home the fact that leading with love, rather than judgment, is important for gaining and maintaining trust. It isn’t just a directive from Jesus. It’s a wise and practical directive.
At Young Life, we like to say we have to earn the right to be heard. In approaching conversations, leaders are quick to listen and slow to speak, because listening well is one of the most important parts of helping their students feel truly safe.
Establishing trust isn’t easy. In fact, it can be one of the most time consuming and vulnerable things to do when building relationships. It’s also one of the most important things we can do, particularly if someone else has suffered hardship or adversity.
Our recent RELATE Project, a research study conducted with the intention of learning more about young people and how they can flourish in their lives, underscored time and again just how important listening well is to developing resilient, edifying relationships.
Of course, that’s true for anyone, of any age—not just the young adults and adolescents we spent time researching. Young adults with fewer relationships (but deeper ones) felt more secure and more loved than young adults with many superficial relationships, either with peers or adults.
That applies to all of us. We crave vulnerability without judgment. We need and were made for deep relationships—and deep relationships require deep listening. Only deep listening can beget real vulnerability.
We must approach relationships by listening first. Only long after we’ve begun to listen do we earn the right to speak into someone’s life.
This isn’t to say that building trust and mutual love requires us to suspend our moral commitments. We are obliged, of course, to hold each other accountable—and to speak out against sin—but we’re obliged further to do so with wisdom, charity and restraint.
“Not judging” others doesn’t mean refusing to acknowledge sins, shortcomings or wrongdoing. It means speaking lovingly and appropriately to people who need correction.
God is our judge—our task as Christians is to show His heart to those who need Him most.
Listen first and speak only after you know the other person has shared their whole heart.
Maybe a person in our lives has seen or done something bad, or shocking. Maybe he or she has suffered more than anyone could have expected. I urge you to listen first and speak only after you know the other person has shared their whole heart. This witness is careful and gentle, without compromising moral clarity or honesty.
I learn from ministry leaders I work with, and from the stories I overhear them sharing with each other, every day. I’ve learned to take inventory of the way I approach people in my own life.
I’d encourage you to do the same. Join us in this trend as we try to listen without judgment.
Newt Crenshaw loves Jesus, and he loves the mission of Young Life: introducing adolescents to Jesus and helping them grow in their faith. He first encountered Young Life in 1980 and has served as a leader, committee chair, faithful supporter, launched ministries, and since 2016, has served as the sixth president. Newt is currently leading the mission with a God-sized vision to know eight million kids by 2030. This "KNOWN" initiative reflects a belief that every adolescent longs to be deeply known, to know their Creator, and to find purpose in that relationship. He is committed to knowing Jesus, knowing young people, and making Jesus known—together.
