As a child I often heard the ditty, “Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never harm you.” Much as I loved my childhood, this was an untruth I have had to recognize. Far closer to reality is a sign I saw in military barracks where the Sergeant Major had above his desk, “Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will kill you!” He also had a philosophy that you shouldn’t just say something if you could shout it, and though not all were slaughtered by his words, many were deafened!
The power of words is forcefully affirmed in the opening chapter of the Bible. God speaks all of reality into being. “And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light'” (Genesis 1:3). It’s the start of the first day. Each new day commences with another spoken instruction—which immediately happens.
Words have astonishing creative power.
Words have astonishing creative power, especially when God speaks them. It is perhaps why John’s Gospel tells us that “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God” (John 1:1). Read further along to v14 and hear its breathtaking claim, “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us”. His words are also enduring, “Heaven and earth may pass away, but my words will not pass away” (Matt 24:35).
The tongue has the power of life and death.
While God’s words are immensely more powerful than ours, don’t underestimate the impact of human words. Think about the bold claim of Proverbs 18:20-21 “From the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled: with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” The implication is that we speak our way to success, and that our use of words can lead to either life or death.
As we get to the third of our theological reflections on personal development, let’s consider the role of speech in our formation theologically—as part of a theology of personal development. But it’s not a theology unless it is shaped by our thinking about God.
Our words are to be shaped by the story of God.
Because God constantly moves out towards us, if our words are to be shaped by the story of God, they need to be acts of valid communication—words that reach toward others to help form genuine community with them.
Be very careful then of words that revolve around self promotion (words where the implicit message is: “I hope you realize that I'm far better than you”), or are aimed to damage others (“you won’t believe what I just heard”), or to hurt others (“you have always been a worthless, waste of space”).
How then can we develop our speech so that it honors the Creator of all speech—words that are gifts?
Here are 7 quick pointers. I like to think of them as one for each day of the week. But it is not a full list, so why not add your thoughts in the comments?
Speak words of gratitude and appreciation
1. We can remember to speak words of gratitude and appreciation.
It's so easy to overlook this. I have been guilty of thinking, “I always think appreciatively of that person, and value them greatly. Surely that is enough.” More recently I have asked myself, “But how would they know that?”
Encouraging words are meant to be spoken, and that, not primarily at funerals, but to living, sensitive people who without our encouragement might be uncertain or unsure if they are noticed, let alone treasured.
2. To speak challenging words to others can be a gift.
But we need to check that our speech has met three necessary biblical prerequisites: A) Is what we are saying true, B) are we speaking in love (as Ephesians 4:15 instructs), and C) are we saying it at the right time (or as Proverbs 15:23 puts it, “a word in season, how good it is”)?
Recognize the responsibility of words.
Truthful words, words spoken from a heart that genuinely loves, and words which are sensitive to the wider picture of what is happening to the other person. There is a flip-side to this. I’ve learnt that it’s better not to speak when I am angry, because then I will try to damage rather than heal. I also try not to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, for truth is often absent from impulsive words. Furthermore, I recognize the responsibility of words. I am the one who speaks them, but the hearer lives with them. I might forget what I said, but they might live with them for decades.
3. Frame what you say thoughtfully.
Framing is about noting the wider context. It’s about seeing the blip as a blip, not a mountain. It is about remembering the wider story of our faith. With God, there is always hope, so even the most challenging words can be framed against the hope of resurrection and new life.
4. Ask if these words are for the benefit of the hearer or for me the speaker.
Often we simply want to get things off our chest. And there is a place for that. Ephesians 4:26 tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger. Phrased a little differently, it suggests that we don’t keep brooding over things so that they grow and grow.
Be careful about making someone else your cathartic dumping ground.
Have the conversation. Fair enough. But be careful about making someone else your cathartic dumping ground. Think about the impact of your words on the other and if it is fair to make them carry what you are saying.
Several times I’ve had people come to me and say, “Will you please forgive me. You don’t know this, but I once heard you speak and I was annoyed at what you said so I have often said ugly things about you, and now I realize, I probably didn’t really understand you.” I always say, “that’s fine. I’m glad I’m not as bad as you thought,” but to be honest, it leaves me feeling awful. I’m glad they feel better, but it leaves me feeling seriously blah, and I wonder if they realize they have unwittingly done damage again.
That’s not to say that when things have genuinely broken down, that we shouldn’t seek reconciliation, because of course we should. But do ask, “Who actually benefits from this conversation?” My speech should primarily be to benefit others (no, we shouldn’t speak ourselves down, but nor should we make it all about us.)
5. Speak up for those who have no voice.
Better still, where possible, find a way so that the voiceless get a voice. That often requires noticing those who are routinely overlooked, those we have stopped expecting to speak. Ask yourself what you are missing because their voice is not heard. It’s probably more than you imagine. And their silence denies them the dignity of active participation.
Sometimes we have to be open to different ways of doing things.
Sometimes we have to be open to different ways of doing things to make this possible, and we shouldn’t assume that our default mode of conversation is the best. In John’s vision of the ultimate future he assures us that there will be people from “every nation, tribe, people and language”, and “they will all cry out with a loud voice” (Revelation 7:9-10). In that day, every voice is used to build a majestic song of praise.
6. Pause and ask, “Is there a better way to say this?”
That little pause often makes the difference between a harsh, damaging onslaught, and a more careful and helpful entry into a genuine dialogue. In that pause I often ask myself, “In what way is hope, kindness and goodness present in what I am saying?" Put differently, "in what way is my language shaped by the Fruit of the Spirit?" (Galatians 5:22-23)
7. Voice the Sabbath question: Should I be listening instead of talking?
James 1:19 advocates that we should be “quick to listen, slow to speak.” There is an easy test. Simply take the number of people in the group—perhaps there are 4. If I did more than 25% of the talking, I probably wasn’t listening enough. If there are 2—did I speak more than the other person?
Now, we don’t have to be legalists about this (after all, if we all say exactly the same number of words, it would be a very artificial conversation, and sometimes it is fully appropriate to be the focus of attention and to say more). But it’s not really about what happens in any one conversation, it’s about our pattern over time.
Listen to the stories of other people.
If you are a natural chatterbox, why not make it a Sabbath discipline (or a one day in 7 discipline) to intentionally hold back and say less. By all means ask open ended questions to help quieter people to get going, but very intentionally make it a time to listen to the stories of other people.
Well, those are my 7 pointers. Why not focus on a different one each day of this week, sitting with it and seeing how it works its way out through the day. Many people use their words as gifts, pointing to life, hope and healing. There is no reason you shouldn’t be one of them.
Originally published by on Brian Harris' Blog. Republished with permission.
Dr Brian Harris, is based in Perth Australia. After decades of church pastoring and 17 years leading a theological college, he now directs the Avenir Leadership Institute, a future-focused consultancy which helps to shape the kinds of leaders the world needs. Brian is the author of seven books, the latest of which are: Why Christianity is Probably True (Paternoster, 2020) and Stirrers and Saints: Forming Spiritual Leaders of Skill, Depth and Character (Paternoster, 2024).
