I remember being young. At one point, I had guy questions but didn’t know how to ask them, and didn’t know who to ask. I felt alone. Confused. Vulnerable. I was afraid. And at the same time, I was aware of the cultural criticism of our generation by those older whose predictions were doom for the future of the country based on how they saw us.
You are not alone.
In reality, my generation turned out fine and so will you young man. As young men, brothers, you are in the midst of challenging circumstances, and facing them can feel overwhelming—unless you are not alone. And let me assure you, you are not alone.
There are men like me who understand from our own experience what it feels like to be criticized, judged wanting, condescended to, rather than mentored, taught, and shown compassion. Some think men do not need that kind of support, but we do, especially from other men, be they fathers, brothers, or mentors.
Nearly half (46%) of young men ages 18-23 say they feel like a failure.
Here is what we are up against... One in four of you report feeling lonely. Many of you are struggling with dating, trying to keep up in school, or facing mental health challenges. Nearly half (46%) of young men ages 18-23 say they feel like a failure, while 38% of those ages 24-29 say the same. Only 32% of men ages 18-29 reject this characterization.
Many young men are also retreating into digital worlds that promise connection but often deepen isolation instead: endless social media feeds, online gambling, pornography, gaming and algorithmically curated outrage. What used to be replaced by community, mentorship, faith, work or friendship is now too often replaced by screens.
Entire online subcultures have emerged to tell you that your worth lies in optimization.
In that vacuum, entire online subcultures have emerged to tell you that your worth lies in optimization: becoming richer, tougher, more dominant, more alpha. Trends like looksmaxxing—where young men obsess over jawlines, facial symmetry and hyper-curated masculinity—reveal something deeper than vanity. They reveal a generation desperate for guidance, identity and affirmation, but increasingly receiving it from algorithms instead of people.
Young man, it is essential for us to understand something about your generation: there is nothing wrong with you. You have not failed. I see now that even when I felt this way, I wasn’t a failure. But I needed someone to walk alongside me. I needed someone to tell me that—and show me how to grow.
The pandemic set young men back significantly in emotional, social and professional terms.
The fact is that the pandemic set young men back significantly in emotional, social and professional terms. COVID-19’s remote education, hiring, dating and work disrupted many of the early-life relationships and rites of passage upon which young men have relied for a long time.
Increasingly, young men are withdrawing from work itself. Millions of prime-age men have left the labor force entirely. They are disconnected not only from jobs, but from many of the structures that once provided identity, stability, and purpose.
Cruelty and abuse aren't masculine.
And to make matters even worse for young men today, you are constantly told that your struggles are rooted in toxic masculinity. You’re told you’re the problem, and conflated with cruel, abusive or anti-social peers. But cruelty and abuse aren't masculine—they are the anti-masculine results of being left completely unguided and untended.
You aren’t toxic; you are unformed. And God is not finished with you.
You were created, called, and meant to be formed.
The thing is, scripture never describes men as self-made. You were created, called, and meant to be formed. Autonomy is a lie.
Workplaces with apprenticeships, active churches, robust sports teams, and civic clubs used to naturally surround young men with older generations who shaped them. That world has largely been replaced by screens and isolation.
You’re told to figure it out, figure yourself out. You’re told to learn. You’re told every way in which you could conceivably be bad or wrong.
No influencer on your phone is capable of truly casting a vision with you for how to lead your life.
But no influencer on your phone is capable of truly casting a vision with you for how to lead your life. Nor are they capable of calling you into obedience, challenging you with love or correcting your errors.
There’s a reason Christians aren’t called to live in solitude. We weren’t made for autonomy. We weren’t made for self-creation. When we try to live as if we were, we fail.
But it bears repeating: You are not a failure.
You may have been failed by a society that outsourced your character development to the internet, but you have the power to change your path. Your desire (even if thwarted) for purpose, work, and family is not wrong. It reflects something God placed in you.
Ask for guidance. Identify the relationships you need the most and build them.
So humble yourself. Ask for guidance. Identify the relationships you need the most and build them. You cannot become a good man on your own. You need to actively look for mentors—managers, teachers, coaches, pastors, or neighbors—and then let them speak into your life.
The best strategy for asking someone to guide or mentor you is honesty. Be direct. Be respectful. Explain what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it. Tell them why you think they can help you, and how. You’d be surprised at how willing people are to invest in others, when asked.
Then set up weekly meetings with these friends, if you can. Proactively set up contact so that the people who have the ability and desire to help you have the chance to do so.
So if you’re struggling, abandon the lie of autonomous self-creation or self-improvement. Find friends. Find mentors. Let them shape you, even (maybe especially) when it’s inconvenient.
True freedom is not independence, but obedience.
True freedom is not independence, but obedience. In obedience to God and commitment to real community we find our deepest and truest freedom. Real people, real sacrifice and real community are required if we hope to flourish.
So please hope. Hope to flourish. Hope to know and be known. Surrender to God and surrender to the formative power of loving, wise mentors.
You aren’t the problem. But you are called to be better—as are we all, together.
Russ Ewell is Executive Minister of the Bay Area Christian Church and author of “He’s Not Who You Think He Is,” exploring faith at the edge of modern life. With over four decades of leadership experience he helps people discover biblical Christianity that is intellectually serious, emotionally grounding, and transformative. Russ is the founder of Deep Spirituality, E-Life, Digital Scribbler, and Hope Technology Group — initiatives addressing spiritual formation, inclusive technologies, and life-span inclusion. Through writing, teaching, and innovation, Russ challenges people to rethink success, rediscover the good life, and walk with God with clarity, courage, and peace.
