Valentine’s Day arrives every year with remarkable self-confidence. It assumes love should be obvious, effortless, and permanently exciting. Cards suggest that if love is real, it will feel magical. And social media portrays that everyone else seems to be doing rather well, thank you very much.
Real love, actually, is nothing like that. Real love is less filtered and far more faithful. Strip away the fantasy and you don’t lose romance, you discover the real version.
And before we go any further, a word to anyone reading this without a Valentine...
For many, that isn’t an easy place to be. Wanting companionship is not a failure or a lack of faith; it is part of being human. Please know this: your life is not on hold, you have not missed God’s timing and you are deeply loved by him.
Jesus never treated singleness as something to be fixed. He met people with dignity, presence and compassion. If this season carries both hope and longing, God can hold both and he walks with you in it.
You are seen, you are valued, and you are not alone.
So what does love, actually—the real version—look like in everyday life? Here are five Christ-shaped Cs that help love grow before marriage, within marriage and in the hearts of those still waiting.
1. Christ at the center
Real love works best when it is not at the center of our world.
Real love works best when it is not at the center of our world—Jesus is. "Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain." (Psalm 127:1 NIV)
That verse isn’t about bricks and mortar; it’s about lives, homes, and relationships.
I once asked a couple who had been married for over sixty years what sustained them. The wife smiled and said, "We didn’t always agree, but we always prayed." That’s romance as surrender.
Love, actually, isn’t about finding the right person; it’s about becoming the right person in Christ. "Seek first the kingdom of God." (Matthew 6:33 NKJV)
2. Conversation that goes deep
Real love talks and then listens.
Real love talks and then listens. Not just about films, food and future holidays (important though they are), but about faith, fears, family, failure and the future.
"The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out." (Proverbs 20:5 NIV)
Love, actually, grows when we dare to be known, not just admired. Depth takes courage. Wisdom moves at a slower pace.
3. Consistency in the small things
Real love is... formed by quiet faithfulness.
Real love is rarely built by grand gestures. It is formed by quiet faithfulness.
Turning up.
Keeping your word.
Speaking kindly when tired.
Listening without reaching for your phone.
Jesus said: "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much." (Luke 16:10 NIV) That is profoundly romantic, even if it doesn’t feature on many Valentine’s cards.
Love, actually, is proved in the ordinary, not the occasional.
4. Constraint that clarifies
Restraint protects clarity.
This may sound unfashionable but it is deeply wise: restraint protects clarity.
God’s vision for intimacy within marriage isn’t about denying desire; it’s about honoring it. Desire is powerful and power needs care and management.
Paul puts it simply: "'I have the right to do anything,' you say—but not everything is beneficial." (1 Corinthians 6:12 NIV)
Waiting doesn’t weaken love, it strengthens trust.
Love, actually, doesn’t ask, "How far can I go?" but, "How well can I love?"
5. Compassion that Is gentle and true
Real love is about care.
At its heart, real love is about care.
Care listens. Care waits. Care honors dignity, even when relationships don’t unfold as hoped. Care refuses to use another person’s heart as a stepping stone.
Paul’s words were not written for weddings but they describe real love perfectly: "Love is patient, love is kind... it is not self-seeking." (1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NIV)
Love, actually, always treats another heart as holy ground.
A word from my own marriage
People sometimes ask what Valentine’s Day looks like for Killy and me. The honest answer is simple: Killy is my Valentine every day, not just on February 14.
Forgiving quickly, praying honestly, and laughing frequently.
After four decades of marriage, love hasn’t become less romantic; it has become more real. We’ve learned that love is sustained not by intensity but by intention. Not by always agreeing but by choosing grace. Not by never failing but by forgiving quickly, praying honestly and laughing frequently—and sometimes at ourselves.
Marriage hasn’t made us perfect but it has taught us that God does some of his best work in the ordinary faithfulness of everyday life and love.
Love, actually, is choosing the same person again and again and again, especially on the cloudy days.
When the flowers wilt
When the chocolates are finished and the cards are recycled, love remains.
For some, Valentine’s Day will be joyful.
For others, it will be tender or complicated.
For many, it will be quietly hopeful.
Wherever you find yourself, remember this: God is not in a hurry with your life and your heart. And his love for you is already secure.
Love, actually—the real version—is not found in fairy tales. It is formed in faithfulness, patience, forgiveness and grace.
And that kind of love does not fade when the flowers do.
Originally published by Philo Trust. Republished with permission.
J.John is an evangelist, minister, speaker, broadcaster and writer. He has been in ministry for four decades. He has spoken in towns, cities and universities in 69 countries, establishing Philo Trust in 1982 to organize his various evangelistic ministry offerings. J.John’s weekly podcast, The J.John Podcast, features a range of interviews with Christians from all walks of life and talks by J.John. Click here to listen. J.John’s books are available to order via jjohn.com or through other online or physical bookshops.
Philo Trust was established by J.John in 1982 to organize evangelistic events and projects, equip Christians to naturally share their faith, mentor evangelists, and produce books and resources to help people in their journey of faith.
